A Story of Hope.

I'm going to write out a story of what happened to me. Its going to be all me and nothing else. Lets finally open up to the world for a change.

I met this girl perhaps over a year ago now. For some reason I felt attracted to her almost immediately and a few days after speaking to her on MSN we met up and watched Dorian Gray. Wasn't the best film choice ever. It was a great film but I did mention that my friend told me it was written for me. Then I see with this girl and its nothing but sex, cigarettes and murder. I could of killed my friend for telling me this. I knew straight away after seeing her with my own eyes for the first time that she was something special and I didn't want to rush anything. I really wanted to do this right by this one.

After she went home nothing much happened. We didn't meet again, she spoke to me on and off. But I couldn't help but not forget about her. I thought about her a lot as my life continued on. I told her once that I liked her and she ignored it as well as me. I decided to count my loses and leave it at that. Then she started speaking to me again, expressed that she wanted to see me. Me of all the people she could of claimed. This happened perhaps 6 months or a year after our first meeting. Time is really hard to identify when all the days blur together with thoughts of her.

We decided to go cinema again, but this time we watched How to Train a Dragon. A much safer choice I thought. Once again even though I wanted to take her hand, I wanted to hold her and kiss her. I restrained because I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to understand that I wanted more from her. She went home once again and as she left I felt a sudden grip of fear that history will repeat and I wont see her again. I was wrong and she had invited me out to her sisters party. I was so happy and filled with joy and it was the night we shared out first kiss.

I knew I wanted to be with her. I had thought about it but the kiss confirmed it as my body tingled with a feeling I've not felt since I was a child, happiness. She came round the following day and we spent time together, as we did on the days following. I enjoyed her company and I wanted it more than anything. I asked her out but she told me she was not ready. I accepted this and took it for what it was.

As time progressed we encountered our problems where she would stop talking to me and I would panic thinking that she was going to disappear from my life with out a trace. She assured me that it was something that she couldn't help and that she doesn't mean to do it. I believed her despite my cynical mind. The weeks turned to months as I found myself leaving clubs early because I heard something happened to her. I spend nights awake worrying about her, hoping that she was okay. Feeling powerless to help her through what she was going through but desperate to try everything I could.

At points when it got tough I would walk or cycle to her house and buy her flowers on the way to display my feelings for her, an emotional reaction which I did not think I was capable of having. Things got harder for her as she got kicked out of her house. Something which I knew was going to happen and I pleaded to her mother to not do it. However my words fell on deaf ears as I get a called from this girl telling me it has happened. I was stuck at work as I told her to go to my house and let herself in.

Upon coming home and finding her laying asleep in my bed a feeling went through my body. A feeling that I had long since forgotten. A feeling of love. I soon realised that despite her telling people she was single and telling me she was not ready for a relationship. I knew that's where I was at. In my head I was in a relationship with this girl. I had told my friends I was with her expressing to them how happy I was and for the week she spent at mine before returning home I enjoy the company of another person and didn't get sick of it. I had fallen in love with this girl and there was nothing I could do about it.

After she went home things got extra hard. I hadn't seen her and she was being reluctant to speak with me. I heard she was going away over the weekend to meet some guy she fancied and she was honest to me and admitted it and I was in the belief that she was going to cheat on me and she didn't do anything to assure me she wasn't. She says now that she was joking but I couldn't see the joke. Her telling people she was still single, not wanting the pictures of us kissing on Facebook and removing the wall posts I made which signified we were seeing each other. My head fucked up. I lost control and I had no idea what to do.

My reaction was disgusting as I cheated on her during the time I thought she would be cheating on me. I felt so shit with myself and I told her it happened the next day. To my surprise as she tells me she didn't cheat on me and she stops speaking to me. This time I knew it was for good. I had tried everything I could in my mindset of panic to say sorry and begged for her forgiveness and hoped that she would understand that I was not myself when I did this vile action. Of course she did not believe me.

I tried multiple things to get over her. I even shouted at her tried to make her hate me, tried to hate her myself with what she did to make me so fucked up. But nothing worked. I couldn't get over this girl and I knew I had made a huge mistake and should of just kept faith while against all odds.

As time progressed she moved on and found someone new while I was trying to go back to my heartless emotionless self that I was before her. But nothing worked. Not even the old tricks which I used with previous ex's. Months have passed and I still feel for her like I did when we were together. Though this time the feelings are hollow as she is not around. These feelings which I could easily transfer over to another girl but my body will just not allow it. These feelings are for her and her alone and no one can take them away from me.

I learned from my mistake the second I made it, swearing to never do it again and it is an oath I will never break no matter how tough things get in the future. This girl is nothing more than a remnant of my memories who I still plead to forgive me. I task I know I will never complete and not rest until I can forget. But how can you forget about a person that pulls out the emotion of love that you thought was lost?

This is a story of hope because even though I fucked things up. I know there is another girl out there that can do this to me. There is another girl that I will find that will make me love her like I loved this one. Even though I feel like I will be constantly looking over my shoulder at this girl I fell in love with in the shortest amount of time possible, something that I did not think my cynical mind can do.

I miss her so much and I still cry when I remember what I lost. But there is nothing more I can do other than march on forward and hope that my future will bless me once again like I was blessed to have her in my life for the short while that I had.

Thank you for reading.